I'm spending a small portion of my Sunday at one of my favorite places - Panera Bread. They've got great food. I LOVE their bagels and it's one of my favorite place to get lemonade. Plus I love the atmosphere. So I grabbed my notebook and book, and headed on over.
I'm currently reading Shades of Blue by Karen Kingsbury. She has been my favorite author since I first started reading her books about 8 or 9 years ago. She is a Christian author but not some sappy author who makes the lives of Christians look perfect and full of sunshine. She talks about the tough issues - the mistakes we ALL make, the feels we ALL have no matter what our beliefs. I love that. This book is no different. And as always, her books make me look at my own life...
I'll admit that last week was just one long week. And I struggled with some things I'll be honest - I found myself angry with someone. Not all of the anger was unfounded. But it wasn't really like me. I was mad. Hurt and mad. I didn't say anything I shouldn't have. I just didn't say anything - which just seemed to make it all worse. And even as of now, I haven't said what was really bothering me. But part of that was because I wasn't quite sure what was going on in my head. That is until yesterday afternoon...
After the long week, I really just wanted to spend the weekend doing the things I love without much interruption of daily life. Watch movies. Write. Read. So I opened my book and started reading. I don't want to give the book away (because I think you should read it) but some of the characters in the book ar ehaving a Bible study and are discussing some verses in Luke. They first talk about Luke 6:27-31. Ugh. Love your enemies. Two years ago I would have said "of course we should love our enemies! Kill them with kindness!" Ha. Not so easy now.
Laura had to agree. "She has a point. I mean, does God really want us to roll over and die every time someone hurts us?" (Shades of Blue, pg. 81)
THANK YOU! That's exactly what I'm thinking! I've got a list of people I really don't feel like loving right now for various reasons. The things they've done and said hurt. God doesn't want me to just let that go, right?
Megan leaned over her knees and folded her hands, her eyes on Anna. "I think this is more about our attitude when someone hurts us." (pg. 81)
..."In other words, we need to love no matter what. If they harm us, then we need to believe God will restore whatever was lost in the process. The main thing is to love even when it isn't easy." (pg. 82)
Ummmmm....So I put my book down and start to think about that. Was that part of my problem? Honestly, I think it was. For one, I wasn't believing God would restore the things that I had lost in this whole mess. There are things I miss. There are things that will never be the same. There are opinions that were shaped. And instead of believing that God would restore them, I just convinced myself that this is the way things would be. And at times, it made me mad because it seems so unfair. Why was I not believing God would restore all of that?
Luke 6:32-36 (NIV). 32"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. 33And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. 34And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. 35But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Luke 6:32-36 (The Message) 31-34"Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that's charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.
35-36"I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You'll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we're at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.
And here was the other part of my problem. In order to really love my enemies, I have to forgive them. And even though I've forgiven some things, I haven't forgiven all of it. Why? I don't know. Probably because there are still some things that truly hurt. And I guess I feel like if I completely forgive then I'm acting like it didn't really hurt. And I want them to know it hurt. Seems fair in my eyes.
But as I continued to read, I realized I have some things to do. Some hard things to do. Things I'm not sure I want to do but I stil know I need to do them. One of those things is forgiving myself. I knwo I made some mistakes - I know I said some things I shouldn't have. And I know those things hurt someone. And I did apologize but because of the situation, I'm not sure they really believed me. And I'm not really sure I've forgiven myself either. So I've got to forgive me but I also have to ask for forgiveness one last time.
But that's the hard part. Part of me says I have to apologize face-to-face. And this is where I start screaming on the inside. NO! NO! NO! I'm not screaming because I don't want to apologize. I just have no desire to be face-to-face with this person. You can call me a chicken - I don't care. But I've spent the last 10 months trying to let it all go - learn from things and move on. I feel like having to look at this person will back every piece of hurt there was. I don't want that. But the question is can I truly as for forgiveness and believe God will restore things if I don't speak with this person face-to-face???
The other part of the problem is that I know a face-to-face may cause some issues with someone else. She won't be mad. She'll understand. That's the great part. She'll listen to me and understand. But it won't be easy for her either. She'll worry. She'll wonder. It's hard to explain...and so I know that makes it hard for you all to understand. But believe me, it won't be easy...
Forgiveness and restoration...ugh...
I'm currently reading Shades of Blue by Karen Kingsbury. She has been my favorite author since I first started reading her books about 8 or 9 years ago. She is a Christian author but not some sappy author who makes the lives of Christians look perfect and full of sunshine. She talks about the tough issues - the mistakes we ALL make, the feels we ALL have no matter what our beliefs. I love that. This book is no different. And as always, her books make me look at my own life...
I'll admit that last week was just one long week. And I struggled with some things I'll be honest - I found myself angry with someone. Not all of the anger was unfounded. But it wasn't really like me. I was mad. Hurt and mad. I didn't say anything I shouldn't have. I just didn't say anything - which just seemed to make it all worse. And even as of now, I haven't said what was really bothering me. But part of that was because I wasn't quite sure what was going on in my head. That is until yesterday afternoon...
After the long week, I really just wanted to spend the weekend doing the things I love without much interruption of daily life. Watch movies. Write. Read. So I opened my book and started reading. I don't want to give the book away (because I think you should read it) but some of the characters in the book ar ehaving a Bible study and are discussing some verses in Luke. They first talk about Luke 6:27-31. Ugh. Love your enemies. Two years ago I would have said "of course we should love our enemies! Kill them with kindness!" Ha. Not so easy now.
Laura had to agree. "She has a point. I mean, does God really want us to roll over and die every time someone hurts us?" (Shades of Blue, pg. 81)
THANK YOU! That's exactly what I'm thinking! I've got a list of people I really don't feel like loving right now for various reasons. The things they've done and said hurt. God doesn't want me to just let that go, right?
Megan leaned over her knees and folded her hands, her eyes on Anna. "I think this is more about our attitude when someone hurts us." (pg. 81)
..."In other words, we need to love no matter what. If they harm us, then we need to believe God will restore whatever was lost in the process. The main thing is to love even when it isn't easy." (pg. 82)
Ummmmm....So I put my book down and start to think about that. Was that part of my problem? Honestly, I think it was. For one, I wasn't believing God would restore the things that I had lost in this whole mess. There are things I miss. There are things that will never be the same. There are opinions that were shaped. And instead of believing that God would restore them, I just convinced myself that this is the way things would be. And at times, it made me mad because it seems so unfair. Why was I not believing God would restore all of that?
Luke 6:32-36 (NIV). 32"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. 33And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. 34And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. 35But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Luke 6:32-36 (The Message) 31-34"Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that's charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.
35-36"I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You'll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we're at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.
And here was the other part of my problem. In order to really love my enemies, I have to forgive them. And even though I've forgiven some things, I haven't forgiven all of it. Why? I don't know. Probably because there are still some things that truly hurt. And I guess I feel like if I completely forgive then I'm acting like it didn't really hurt. And I want them to know it hurt. Seems fair in my eyes.
But as I continued to read, I realized I have some things to do. Some hard things to do. Things I'm not sure I want to do but I stil know I need to do them. One of those things is forgiving myself. I knwo I made some mistakes - I know I said some things I shouldn't have. And I know those things hurt someone. And I did apologize but because of the situation, I'm not sure they really believed me. And I'm not really sure I've forgiven myself either. So I've got to forgive me but I also have to ask for forgiveness one last time.
But that's the hard part. Part of me says I have to apologize face-to-face. And this is where I start screaming on the inside. NO! NO! NO! I'm not screaming because I don't want to apologize. I just have no desire to be face-to-face with this person. You can call me a chicken - I don't care. But I've spent the last 10 months trying to let it all go - learn from things and move on. I feel like having to look at this person will back every piece of hurt there was. I don't want that. But the question is can I truly as for forgiveness and believe God will restore things if I don't speak with this person face-to-face???
The other part of the problem is that I know a face-to-face may cause some issues with someone else. She won't be mad. She'll understand. That's the great part. She'll listen to me and understand. But it won't be easy for her either. She'll worry. She'll wonder. It's hard to explain...and so I know that makes it hard for you all to understand. But believe me, it won't be easy...
Forgiveness and restoration...ugh...
Comments
Happy Sunday. I have a few hours to blog hop ......so glad that I stopped here....Be sure and stop by and read about a miracle in our family....
http://teresa-grammygirlfriend.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-think-god-smiled.html
http://grammyababychangeseverything.blogspot.com/