It is hard to believe that 2019 is here. The older I get, the quicker time flies by. I do remember being told that when I was a teenager. Those people were so right. It feels like yesterday that I was sitting in my quiet house while Johanna was off with friends celebrating the start of 2018. But that was a year ago. Today, I’m still sitting in my quiet house but that’s because Karyna is just waking up for the day.
A few years ago, I used to work on videos that would highlight my year. I loved doing them but they took time. And that’s time that I don’t have as much of these days. It’s hard to go through a year of pictures and videos. Do you know how many pictures I take a year? My goodness! I could sit here and recap all of 2018 with you but I doubt you’d read it all. And that’s ok. No offense taken. I get it.
I won’t complain about 2018. It brought so many wonderful things. I got to spend six months with Johanna in 2018. We had so much fun and a lot of new experiences! Sure, my heart broke when she went back home but I am thankful for those six months. (I obviously had a little over 9 months with her but only 6 were in 2018.) I got to go to Universal Studios to the Harry Potter world...which is something I’ve been wanting to do since the day it opened. It was AMAZING! I spent a lot of time with the people I love and really, that’s the most important. Karyna came in August and we’ve already shared lots of great experiences in her time here. The list of great things could go on for DAYS.
But there was hard times too. (I have no idea how deep I’ll get in this blog. I could keep it short and sweet or I may share a lot. You’ve been warned.) Johanna leaving was tough. The things I struggled with most when she left were things that never really crossed my mind before. Some other things have happened since too that took a lot of patience for me. (Patience is NO ONE’S virtue.) I kind of feel like the last few weeks have been some of the toughest. Adulthood is full of lessons. (Who’s idea was this adulthood thing anyway.) It’s been a rough few days. A few days of a lot of different emotions.
Hurt is a powerful thing. Hurt can change a person. Sometimes that’s a good thing and sometimes it’s not. I don’t get hurt often. I don’t say that to sound like I’m awesome (but I definitely have my moments). I say that because I try hard not to let things get to me. It’s not a wall. It’s not denial. It’s just knowing that God is in control. It’s knowing that people make mistakes. It’s knowing that I’m also not perfect and I mess up too. I try to think through things as they happen. I try to play the devil’s advocate no matter what. But there are moments, like recently, where I didn’t do any of those things first. The anger hits first. And then I realize the anger is from the hurt.
The last week have included some not-so-fine moments. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said (thankfully only my best friend heard them but still). I’ve felt things I shouldn’t have felt. I’ve even wanted a little revenge. And my anger stuck around longer than I would have liked. Those aren’t things I like. I get over things quickly and even today, I’m not quite there. My heart hurts. And it’s not even all because I was hurt. It’s because people around me were hurt to get at me. If you’ve known me for a long time, you know that I will easily forgive. I don’t have any desire to hold on to a bunch of hostile feelings. But that’s been hard the last few days.
I had to have a hard conversation yesterday. It was needed but I dreaded it. I dreaded it because I had to be so careful. I dreaded it because I couldn’t fix the situation and even though I know what I was saying was right, it wasn’t going to help the situation. The people involved in all of this mean the world to me; this person included. And I wanted them to know that. But I also wanted them to know that there was a different way to handle this. As hard as it is, we have to be the bigger people. That almost made me a little more angry. I wanted to be able to fix the situation. I wanted to be able to change things and I can’t. That’s hard.
But I don’t want to start 2019 with this hurt and anger. The hurt will probably take a little longer to get over but I need to let go of the anger. I have to remind myself that God has a plan. I have to remind myself that loving these people is what God has asked of me. I have to remind myself that God put these people in my life for a reason. I have to get back to me. I refuse to allow these type of things to change me. I refuse to allow Satan the opportunity to put up a wall between me and the people who make my life amazing. I get why people put up walls. I get why people quit trusting others. I get it. I also understand trying to break down that wall. I’ll continue to do that as well. I will continue to remind others that yes, there is some crappy things in this world. And there are people that will hurt us. And sometimes that hurt is deep. But there is so much more to be thankful for. There are so many people that we will have in our lives that will help us grow, that will love us for exactly who we are, who will add to the smiles and add to the experiences.
The events of the last week or so will make other situations a little tougher. I’ll have to navigate through all of that carefully; reminding myself of who I am, the people I need to watch out for and what’s most important. And trust me when I say that this adulthood lesson SUCKED. But I plan to use it for the better in 2019. I hope that even though it hurts, I’m able to bring down some more walls. I hope that I’m able to use it to remind others of their worth and the power of forgiveness. I hope I’m able to remind someone else that forgiving themselves is just as important as forgiving others.
I’m excited for 2019 and all of the experiences headed my way. I don’t know what they are. And I know that there will be hard times in the middle of that too. But this life we’re given is a beautiful thing (man, that sounds cheesy). And I am surrounded by amazing people. I’m thankful for the relationships that were strengthened in 2018 and I’m going to continue to pour into those relatiships as we go through 2019. Life changes. People come and go. But they’ve all come into our lives for a reason. It’s what we chose to do with that that matters.
Happy New Year!!!! And here’s to me doing better with this whole blogging thing! (I say that every year. I have 4 drafts that never got finished if that counts!)
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