OK...let me warn you now. This is a very personal blog for me. It's something that I'd put in my journal but I type faster than I write and since I'm so tired tonight, I just wanted to get it down. There's just sometimes when you need to write some personal things. Things most people don't understand, but that's ok. I'm really alright with that. I just needed to get things "down on paper." Had to get my thoughts out there for the evening!
Please remember, I'm watching the Buckeye basketball game. I may get thrown off and end up just chanting O-H-I-O or something. Just a warning!
So where to start? I know...the beginning! Duh! Thanks for that! I know that part of my "thoughtful mood" today is because I'm so tired. (Three hours of sleep on a ten hour day will do that to ya.) But I think this is something I've been thinking for a long time...just little by little...if that makes sense.
Have you ever just wanted to let go of something but can't? Whether it be a habit, relationship (which can sometimes be habits), moment in time...? I'm at this point where I sometimes I feel like I should let go of this moment...well, year or so...in my life...and I just can't! And when I ask myself why, I give myself a boat load of excuses. But it just comes down to I'm not sure if I want to. If I do, will it change things?
I truly believe that there was a year in my life that has a huge part in who I am today. Maybe that's why it's so hard to let go of. Of course, over the last ten years I've done a lot of growing (plenty more to go). I've learned more about myself and the world. But I'm not sure how much of that I would have learned had I not experienced the life the way I did for that one moment in time.
I believe I'm the Christian I am because of this time. I grew up in a Christian home...in church. But that doesn't mean a ton. A lot of who you are as a Christian and what you learn happens outside of your comfort zones I believe. And in the beginning, this was kind of out of my comfort zone.
I wouldn't call myself your typical high school girl. Being popular was never important to me and never something I strived for. I think in the end I ended up a little more popular than I ever thought I'd be...but I wasn't popular! And I talked to tons of people. Of course, I wasn't liked by all. And I'll be honest, I didn't like all of them either! But that's high school. I just wasn't the girl that was reaching out to be "cool." I kind of shyed away from it a little...I think. Maybe it made me nervous. I don't know. I wanted to be me. I didn't want the pressure to do and be things that I didn't want to do or be. So I stayed away. Or at least I tried. I was one..and really still am, one of those girls who just stayed out of situations. If I saw a friend going down the wrong path, I said what I felt I needed to say (still do). And if I felt like I needed to pull myself away, I did. And then a friendship formed. One I FOUGHT! I didn't want it. I remember watching this person from a distance and thinking, "Yeah. I don't think so." It was just one of those things that I didn't think I needed to be a part of ya know? It wasn't anything bad. Just not me. Or so I thought! And it's not like I hadn't seen this person. We went to school together our entire lives. So I knew this person. And we had spoke on ocassion. Come to find out, this person knew me better than I thought...or than I think I knew myself.
I'm not even sure how it started. I don't know what it was. We shared some classes together but we had before. And we had mutual friends but that was nothing new. I can't put my finger on it. I guess it doesn't matter. It just happened. And it was kind of...I don't know...cool...I don't have the word...but we'll go with cool. Here was this person that I was just sure I shared nothing in common with and all of a sudden, we were so close!
This person read me unlike almost anyone...especially for high school. I wouldn't have to say a word and this person knew. And now that I think about it, having that in high school is a big thing. We're all so caught up in our own lives that a friendship like that is a big deal...and doesn't usually happen. But here it was. And I enjoyed every moment of it.
This person challenged me. Really challenged me...even without this person knowing it I think. All of a sudden, my views on people and things were changing. And my walk with God was changing. And it wasn't because this person was pointing this out to me. That's the most amazing thing I think. I was a better person because of this one friendship.
And like I said, I believe that the friendship is why I am (at least in part) who I am today. I think I'm a better friend because of this friend. This person taught me how to listen...to really listen. And this person taught me when to just shut up! And this person taught me that sometimes it's not worth the fight.
And if I had known then what I know now, I would have said things different...or said what I was really thinking. I had plenty of chances. Even past our senior year, I had the chances for awhile. And I didn't take them. I guess I figured that we'd always come back around. But we haven't. I know God put this person in my life for a reason. I just have the hardest time feeling like it was only for that season, ya know?
So I wonder what would be different for me if I had just taken one of those chances. Like the first chance, when my opinion was asked and I did what I thought was best for this person. I wanted to say NO but I said yes...knowing it was something this person wanted. Or all those times when I wanted to get in the car and just go over there...find out for myself what was going on....make this person look me in the eye. Or the last time I walked away.
I know I should probably just let go. Lots of time has passed. And I've got some great memories. Things I'll never forget! Plenty of things I learned from. So why is it so hard to walk away? Why can't I just be done? I can...and I have...but never permanently. Something or someone will spark it again.
I wonder if this person is ok. I wonder what this person is doing. I wonder if I'll ever run into this person again. And if so, what would I say? And I've been in one of those "moods" where I've given a lot of thought to it. Sounds silly, I know. But it's where I am.
Is it ok to partially let go? Maybe let go some of it but not all of it? AHHHH!!! If you know me well, you know I can get into those points where I'm really analyzing things...and putting lots of thought into them. This is one of those times.
I've got so many other things I want to talk about tonight. But I've probably already bored you as it is. Plus, like I said before, I'm exhausted! My thoughts are only going to hold together for so much longer. So I'll have to save the rest of the stuff for another night. But thanks for listening!
Please remember, I'm watching the Buckeye basketball game. I may get thrown off and end up just chanting O-H-I-O or something. Just a warning!
So where to start? I know...the beginning! Duh! Thanks for that! I know that part of my "thoughtful mood" today is because I'm so tired. (Three hours of sleep on a ten hour day will do that to ya.) But I think this is something I've been thinking for a long time...just little by little...if that makes sense.
Have you ever just wanted to let go of something but can't? Whether it be a habit, relationship (which can sometimes be habits), moment in time...? I'm at this point where I sometimes I feel like I should let go of this moment...well, year or so...in my life...and I just can't! And when I ask myself why, I give myself a boat load of excuses. But it just comes down to I'm not sure if I want to. If I do, will it change things?
I truly believe that there was a year in my life that has a huge part in who I am today. Maybe that's why it's so hard to let go of. Of course, over the last ten years I've done a lot of growing (plenty more to go). I've learned more about myself and the world. But I'm not sure how much of that I would have learned had I not experienced the life the way I did for that one moment in time.
I believe I'm the Christian I am because of this time. I grew up in a Christian home...in church. But that doesn't mean a ton. A lot of who you are as a Christian and what you learn happens outside of your comfort zones I believe. And in the beginning, this was kind of out of my comfort zone.
I wouldn't call myself your typical high school girl. Being popular was never important to me and never something I strived for. I think in the end I ended up a little more popular than I ever thought I'd be...but I wasn't popular! And I talked to tons of people. Of course, I wasn't liked by all. And I'll be honest, I didn't like all of them either! But that's high school. I just wasn't the girl that was reaching out to be "cool." I kind of shyed away from it a little...I think. Maybe it made me nervous. I don't know. I wanted to be me. I didn't want the pressure to do and be things that I didn't want to do or be. So I stayed away. Or at least I tried. I was one..and really still am, one of those girls who just stayed out of situations. If I saw a friend going down the wrong path, I said what I felt I needed to say (still do). And if I felt like I needed to pull myself away, I did. And then a friendship formed. One I FOUGHT! I didn't want it. I remember watching this person from a distance and thinking, "Yeah. I don't think so." It was just one of those things that I didn't think I needed to be a part of ya know? It wasn't anything bad. Just not me. Or so I thought! And it's not like I hadn't seen this person. We went to school together our entire lives. So I knew this person. And we had spoke on ocassion. Come to find out, this person knew me better than I thought...or than I think I knew myself.
I'm not even sure how it started. I don't know what it was. We shared some classes together but we had before. And we had mutual friends but that was nothing new. I can't put my finger on it. I guess it doesn't matter. It just happened. And it was kind of...I don't know...cool...I don't have the word...but we'll go with cool. Here was this person that I was just sure I shared nothing in common with and all of a sudden, we were so close!
This person read me unlike almost anyone...especially for high school. I wouldn't have to say a word and this person knew. And now that I think about it, having that in high school is a big thing. We're all so caught up in our own lives that a friendship like that is a big deal...and doesn't usually happen. But here it was. And I enjoyed every moment of it.
This person challenged me. Really challenged me...even without this person knowing it I think. All of a sudden, my views on people and things were changing. And my walk with God was changing. And it wasn't because this person was pointing this out to me. That's the most amazing thing I think. I was a better person because of this one friendship.
And like I said, I believe that the friendship is why I am (at least in part) who I am today. I think I'm a better friend because of this friend. This person taught me how to listen...to really listen. And this person taught me when to just shut up! And this person taught me that sometimes it's not worth the fight.
And if I had known then what I know now, I would have said things different...or said what I was really thinking. I had plenty of chances. Even past our senior year, I had the chances for awhile. And I didn't take them. I guess I figured that we'd always come back around. But we haven't. I know God put this person in my life for a reason. I just have the hardest time feeling like it was only for that season, ya know?
So I wonder what would be different for me if I had just taken one of those chances. Like the first chance, when my opinion was asked and I did what I thought was best for this person. I wanted to say NO but I said yes...knowing it was something this person wanted. Or all those times when I wanted to get in the car and just go over there...find out for myself what was going on....make this person look me in the eye. Or the last time I walked away.
I know I should probably just let go. Lots of time has passed. And I've got some great memories. Things I'll never forget! Plenty of things I learned from. So why is it so hard to walk away? Why can't I just be done? I can...and I have...but never permanently. Something or someone will spark it again.
I wonder if this person is ok. I wonder what this person is doing. I wonder if I'll ever run into this person again. And if so, what would I say? And I've been in one of those "moods" where I've given a lot of thought to it. Sounds silly, I know. But it's where I am.
Is it ok to partially let go? Maybe let go some of it but not all of it? AHHHH!!! If you know me well, you know I can get into those points where I'm really analyzing things...and putting lots of thought into them. This is one of those times.
I've got so many other things I want to talk about tonight. But I've probably already bored you as it is. Plus, like I said before, I'm exhausted! My thoughts are only going to hold together for so much longer. So I'll have to save the rest of the stuff for another night. But thanks for listening!
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