**I have to say, this is a RARE post for me. There are very few people who hear all of this out of me but I wanted to share it. Why? Not real sure. I imagine I'll regret it later! But for now, here it is!**
I'm not even sure what to call this blog or where to begin. I debated most of the evening about even posting this blog. Mainly because I'm afraid I'll say things that should only stay in my head. I'll try to attempt to keep myself in check but no promises...not after today.
Last week was a rough week. But I think it had a lot to do with just life. The Virginia Tech thing affected us all...whether we knew someone personally or not. I spent some time with my best friend at the hospital...she was upset she couldn't take her new baby home. And then we realized we were about to go through some major changes in our women's ministry group at church. It felt like one thing after the other really. So the week just seemed "blah" (which I think I stated in an earlier blog).
My weekend wasn't bad. I can't complain. Had some good laughs Sat. night at dinner with some friends. (AJ, you will be the topic of my conversations for awhile!) Staci and I acted "slightly" childish on Sat. night (I'm so not telling you what we did...actually, it was mainly Staci...with a little encouragement from me). Sunday was pretty good. Relaxing. I figured this week would start better...
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!
By time this afternoon hit, I had had enough! I wasn't stressed. I was hurt. Now, for those of you who know me well, you probably know that I don't usually let things get to me. Life is what it is. Life is going to hand you things that SUCK. But I know who is in control of my life. So I usually get over things pretty easily. Not today. I just couldn't. I don't know why. Maybe it was because I wasn't expecting it. I'm sure Satan had something to do with it. I'm sure he's enjoying himself this evening!
And when things hurt...really hurt...you don't want to hear the normal "Christian sayings." You don't want to hear someone saying, "Honey, just pray about it." LIKE I DON'T KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know all of that! I don't want to hear that from anyone at a time when I'm hurt! I did a few things that I figured would help some. I texted two friends...both of which responded like I knew they would and it helped. These two know me better than most so they each know what I needed...probably better than me.
The other thing was I opened my Bible. Now, let me say that usually once I make that decision to take some time from whatever is going on at the moment and open my Bible, it helps. Whether I open it to just a random page, read a devotion or refer to a passage I know well, it usually brings some sort of peace. NOT TODAY!
I stared at the words. I read things over and over again. And I absolutely didn't feel a thing. And believe me, that's SO hard for me to admit. It hurt even worse. I thought, "What on earth is going on with me? Why can't I just listen?" So after a few minutes, I closed the Bible and tried to continue on with my day.
By time my break came, I truly felt like falling apart. Literally. Again, SO UNLIKE ME! I'm the girl who holds it together (and not because I feel like I need to, simply because that's who I am). I had so much to do on my break and I just couldn't do it. So I opened up this computer, read a few emails and then realized there was something I wanted to do that I hadn't done last night.
I took a look at someone else's blog. Not unusual for me. I'm a reader! And I'm also someone who really puts who I am out there with my writing so I like to read what other people are saying. So I read this blog and then BAM. All of the things I wasn't hearing earlier while trying to clear my head, I was now hearing.
I felt completely alone today. (Again, unlike me.) And what made it worse was that there was no one there that I felt like I could "break down" in front of. That's not to say that I don't have great friends there...it just says that I was positive today that not a one of them had what I needed. Does that make sense?
I didn't want to be preached at today. I'm pretty sure if you had tried, I would have been pretty upset. And then I open this blog and realize that God had something for me today...I just needed it to come in a different way, from a different person...than usual.
I'm not saying the situations we are (or were) dealing with are the same or even parallel. But as I read the blog, I thought to myself, "That's it. That's exactly how I felt today."
I never thought I was afraid of failure. I guess everyone is to a certain extent. But over the last few years, I've really told myself that I can't fail. Failing means not trying. And I don't want to live my life wondering what God would have done with me and the gift that He gave me if I hadn't tried. But today...well, today felt different. It felt like something I had worked so hard for...something I worked so long for...just passed me by. It was just kind of all of a sudden, ya know?
Is it the end of the world? Hardly. Will I move on? Most definitely. But did it hurt? Unlike anything I've felt for awhile. I wanted out of that building today. I wanted to be anywhere except where I was. I counted the minutes all afternoon. Even with the slight peace I had received, the afternoon still felt like it was dragging on...mainly to torture me!
I wanted to be at my best friend's this afternoon. She wouldn't even have had to speak to me (although I'm sure she would have...she loved me). I just wanted to be there. So her oldest little boy smile and hold her youngest one as he slept. Seems silly I know. But that's where I wanted to be because I wanted to be somewhere where someone GOT me. (By the way, I got all of that. Just later than I had wanted but I was in a much better mood when I got there!)
And you know how sometimes one thing leads to another? There you are upset about one things and then one million other things come to you? All of a sudden I'm not sure hurt about one thing, but I'm wondering why I have some other unanswered prayers (which I won't go into tonight). It's like one thing after the other and by the time you're done, you're saying, "Are you kidding me, God!?"
But the blog kind of changed how I felt. Like I said, the afternoon still drug on and I still didn't feel completely at peace. But through this blog, I realized a few things...the most important being that I'm not alone. God gets me. God loves me. God BELIEVES in me. Whatever passed me by today (or maybe didn't), doesn't matter cause that just means He has something better on the other side. And well, quite frankly, I'd rather take what He has than something the world has.
And I have worked very hard for where I am. It's hard to think that at this moment, that maybe some of that has gone unnoticed. Will I get over it? Yes, I know I will. And to be honest, I've been thinking other things the last few months anyway. Like a change is on it's way. Like I need to do something else. What does that mean? At the moment, I don't have the slightest clue.
But tonight, while it still hurts, I know that God is in control. And He believes in me. Sometimes it takes showing it to me in a different way...through someone or something else that I wouldnt' normall think of...but He gets to me. He reminds me that He gets me...that He absolutely adores me...and that He believes in me. He knows it hurts. He knows I need people in my life to comfort me. He's given them to me! And He knows my heart...every inch of it. And that's why He gets me, adores me and believes in me.
It's one of those times when I had to change my perspective. My cousin actually posted a personal prayer of hers about perspective. I shared it a week or so ago. I printed it off and put it in my Bible. And I'll be honest, I hadn't looked at it again until today. But after I read the blog, I pulled out the piece of paper. And it was like God was bringing it all together for me. I needed that blog or it would have never led me to that piece of paper today. I had to hear what God had for me today...He just had to bring it to me a different way. And once I started to really hear what God had for me and changed my perspective on how I was seeing things...and how I was limiting God in my life...things began to lift. Let me share that prayer with you again.
Lord the one thing I ask of You is to stay daily in Your presence. I want to know You more each day. I want to understand You in my spirit in a way that is beyond what I can understand with my mind. God I would ask You to stay near me, but I know I do not have to ask this of You, because You are always with me. It is my own perspective, and not Your proximity, that needs transformed. So I ask You to change my perspective. Make me aware of Your presence through every moment of every day. Give me understanding of Your constant love, Your constant presence. Let me understand the depth of Your love for me. Change my perspective so that I can see the true power of Your presence in me. Don't let me limit You by my own perceptions and views of what You are capable of, but change my perspective - remove all boundaries that I've set on You with regards to my life - boundaries I've created through my own limited understanding, so that You can use me to Your fullest ability, in whatever way you choose. God, I release my life to You in faith, believing that You are big enough to do whatever You will in me and through me. If there are hindrances that prevent me from being available to You, God, show me what they are, reveal them to me, and show me what is necessary to break them down and remove them so that You can flow through me for Your design. God teach me to see things the way You see them. Reveal Your heart to me. Let me love others the way You love them. Let me see a situation for what it's really worth, and not make more of something that I should, and not pass over something that is important to You. Teach me to live as You lived here on earth Jesus. Teach me to walk - to stay - in the presence of the Spirit, to follow hard after the will of the Father, to be unshaken, to not be led astray, to not be distracted or pulled off course. God my perspective is my greatest weakness. I need you. I need your transformation in my life. God change me - Lord through your Spirit, give me proper perspective. I need you Lord. I love you.
This is going to have to be my prayer for tomorrow...and maybe a few days after. I've got to remember that God sees things differently...and He sees me differently. It's moments like today that can lead you away...that can shake you...that can cause you to forget where your focus should be.
And today, He had to remind me of all of that. Still hurts. But He knows that. I need to remind myself of that sometimes. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that you are unconditionally loved, adored and that someone absolutely believes in who you are. I've got to hold on to that....
I'm not even sure what to call this blog or where to begin. I debated most of the evening about even posting this blog. Mainly because I'm afraid I'll say things that should only stay in my head. I'll try to attempt to keep myself in check but no promises...not after today.
Last week was a rough week. But I think it had a lot to do with just life. The Virginia Tech thing affected us all...whether we knew someone personally or not. I spent some time with my best friend at the hospital...she was upset she couldn't take her new baby home. And then we realized we were about to go through some major changes in our women's ministry group at church. It felt like one thing after the other really. So the week just seemed "blah" (which I think I stated in an earlier blog).
My weekend wasn't bad. I can't complain. Had some good laughs Sat. night at dinner with some friends. (AJ, you will be the topic of my conversations for awhile!) Staci and I acted "slightly" childish on Sat. night (I'm so not telling you what we did...actually, it was mainly Staci...with a little encouragement from me). Sunday was pretty good. Relaxing. I figured this week would start better...
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!
By time this afternoon hit, I had had enough! I wasn't stressed. I was hurt. Now, for those of you who know me well, you probably know that I don't usually let things get to me. Life is what it is. Life is going to hand you things that SUCK. But I know who is in control of my life. So I usually get over things pretty easily. Not today. I just couldn't. I don't know why. Maybe it was because I wasn't expecting it. I'm sure Satan had something to do with it. I'm sure he's enjoying himself this evening!
And when things hurt...really hurt...you don't want to hear the normal "Christian sayings." You don't want to hear someone saying, "Honey, just pray about it." LIKE I DON'T KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know all of that! I don't want to hear that from anyone at a time when I'm hurt! I did a few things that I figured would help some. I texted two friends...both of which responded like I knew they would and it helped. These two know me better than most so they each know what I needed...probably better than me.
The other thing was I opened my Bible. Now, let me say that usually once I make that decision to take some time from whatever is going on at the moment and open my Bible, it helps. Whether I open it to just a random page, read a devotion or refer to a passage I know well, it usually brings some sort of peace. NOT TODAY!
I stared at the words. I read things over and over again. And I absolutely didn't feel a thing. And believe me, that's SO hard for me to admit. It hurt even worse. I thought, "What on earth is going on with me? Why can't I just listen?" So after a few minutes, I closed the Bible and tried to continue on with my day.
By time my break came, I truly felt like falling apart. Literally. Again, SO UNLIKE ME! I'm the girl who holds it together (and not because I feel like I need to, simply because that's who I am). I had so much to do on my break and I just couldn't do it. So I opened up this computer, read a few emails and then realized there was something I wanted to do that I hadn't done last night.
I took a look at someone else's blog. Not unusual for me. I'm a reader! And I'm also someone who really puts who I am out there with my writing so I like to read what other people are saying. So I read this blog and then BAM. All of the things I wasn't hearing earlier while trying to clear my head, I was now hearing.
I felt completely alone today. (Again, unlike me.) And what made it worse was that there was no one there that I felt like I could "break down" in front of. That's not to say that I don't have great friends there...it just says that I was positive today that not a one of them had what I needed. Does that make sense?
I didn't want to be preached at today. I'm pretty sure if you had tried, I would have been pretty upset. And then I open this blog and realize that God had something for me today...I just needed it to come in a different way, from a different person...than usual.
I'm not saying the situations we are (or were) dealing with are the same or even parallel. But as I read the blog, I thought to myself, "That's it. That's exactly how I felt today."
I never thought I was afraid of failure. I guess everyone is to a certain extent. But over the last few years, I've really told myself that I can't fail. Failing means not trying. And I don't want to live my life wondering what God would have done with me and the gift that He gave me if I hadn't tried. But today...well, today felt different. It felt like something I had worked so hard for...something I worked so long for...just passed me by. It was just kind of all of a sudden, ya know?
Is it the end of the world? Hardly. Will I move on? Most definitely. But did it hurt? Unlike anything I've felt for awhile. I wanted out of that building today. I wanted to be anywhere except where I was. I counted the minutes all afternoon. Even with the slight peace I had received, the afternoon still felt like it was dragging on...mainly to torture me!
I wanted to be at my best friend's this afternoon. She wouldn't even have had to speak to me (although I'm sure she would have...she loved me). I just wanted to be there. So her oldest little boy smile and hold her youngest one as he slept. Seems silly I know. But that's where I wanted to be because I wanted to be somewhere where someone GOT me. (By the way, I got all of that. Just later than I had wanted but I was in a much better mood when I got there!)
And you know how sometimes one thing leads to another? There you are upset about one things and then one million other things come to you? All of a sudden I'm not sure hurt about one thing, but I'm wondering why I have some other unanswered prayers (which I won't go into tonight). It's like one thing after the other and by the time you're done, you're saying, "Are you kidding me, God!?"
But the blog kind of changed how I felt. Like I said, the afternoon still drug on and I still didn't feel completely at peace. But through this blog, I realized a few things...the most important being that I'm not alone. God gets me. God loves me. God BELIEVES in me. Whatever passed me by today (or maybe didn't), doesn't matter cause that just means He has something better on the other side. And well, quite frankly, I'd rather take what He has than something the world has.
And I have worked very hard for where I am. It's hard to think that at this moment, that maybe some of that has gone unnoticed. Will I get over it? Yes, I know I will. And to be honest, I've been thinking other things the last few months anyway. Like a change is on it's way. Like I need to do something else. What does that mean? At the moment, I don't have the slightest clue.
But tonight, while it still hurts, I know that God is in control. And He believes in me. Sometimes it takes showing it to me in a different way...through someone or something else that I wouldnt' normall think of...but He gets to me. He reminds me that He gets me...that He absolutely adores me...and that He believes in me. He knows it hurts. He knows I need people in my life to comfort me. He's given them to me! And He knows my heart...every inch of it. And that's why He gets me, adores me and believes in me.
It's one of those times when I had to change my perspective. My cousin actually posted a personal prayer of hers about perspective. I shared it a week or so ago. I printed it off and put it in my Bible. And I'll be honest, I hadn't looked at it again until today. But after I read the blog, I pulled out the piece of paper. And it was like God was bringing it all together for me. I needed that blog or it would have never led me to that piece of paper today. I had to hear what God had for me today...He just had to bring it to me a different way. And once I started to really hear what God had for me and changed my perspective on how I was seeing things...and how I was limiting God in my life...things began to lift. Let me share that prayer with you again.
Lord the one thing I ask of You is to stay daily in Your presence. I want to know You more each day. I want to understand You in my spirit in a way that is beyond what I can understand with my mind. God I would ask You to stay near me, but I know I do not have to ask this of You, because You are always with me. It is my own perspective, and not Your proximity, that needs transformed. So I ask You to change my perspective. Make me aware of Your presence through every moment of every day. Give me understanding of Your constant love, Your constant presence. Let me understand the depth of Your love for me. Change my perspective so that I can see the true power of Your presence in me. Don't let me limit You by my own perceptions and views of what You are capable of, but change my perspective - remove all boundaries that I've set on You with regards to my life - boundaries I've created through my own limited understanding, so that You can use me to Your fullest ability, in whatever way you choose. God, I release my life to You in faith, believing that You are big enough to do whatever You will in me and through me. If there are hindrances that prevent me from being available to You, God, show me what they are, reveal them to me, and show me what is necessary to break them down and remove them so that You can flow through me for Your design. God teach me to see things the way You see them. Reveal Your heart to me. Let me love others the way You love them. Let me see a situation for what it's really worth, and not make more of something that I should, and not pass over something that is important to You. Teach me to live as You lived here on earth Jesus. Teach me to walk - to stay - in the presence of the Spirit, to follow hard after the will of the Father, to be unshaken, to not be led astray, to not be distracted or pulled off course. God my perspective is my greatest weakness. I need you. I need your transformation in my life. God change me - Lord through your Spirit, give me proper perspective. I need you Lord. I love you.
This is going to have to be my prayer for tomorrow...and maybe a few days after. I've got to remember that God sees things differently...and He sees me differently. It's moments like today that can lead you away...that can shake you...that can cause you to forget where your focus should be.
And today, He had to remind me of all of that. Still hurts. But He knows that. I need to remind myself of that sometimes. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that you are unconditionally loved, adored and that someone absolutely believes in who you are. I've got to hold on to that....
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