I think my word for 2010 was INSECURITY.
Insecure:
Yes, I'm admitting it. I spent most of 2010 feeling pretty insecure about a lot of things. This is probably a huge surprise to most of you, but it's true. I've always been pretty confident in who I am (confident - not cocky - there is a difference). I can thank my parents for that. I was always taught that I could do anything I put my mind to with God's help. They didn't preach at me. They made God real to me. And they didn't want me to be afraid to try new things. They didn't want me to fear failure. They wanted me to be proud of who I was and everything that made me ME. I know part of that is because I was a child growing up with a white man as my father and black woman as my mother. They knew it wouldn't be the easiest thing growing up in the 80's. But they wanted me to be proud of who I was and to not let the opinions of others affect my self-worth. They did an amazing job, I must say!
Of course I got made fun of. Bullied even in the 2nd grade. I was even called the N-word. (And yes, I'll admit that I was a typical kid and I made fun of others. Not my finest moment.) But I don't ever remember feeling less than others. We definitely had less than 90% of the kids I grew up with. But that didn't bother me. I liked me!!
And for about 30 years, I loved who I was and who I was becoming. Of course, I'm human. I had my moments of doubt. And there were things I didn't like about myself. And let's face it, I'm not perfect. (I know - HUGE shock to all of you but I wanted to put it out there. I wanted to be truthful. HA HA HA!! Hopefully you're feeling the sarcasm in all of that!) But none of those moments lasted long. I loved me and all of my imperfections.
Like I said, that lasted about 30 years. Then I allowed myself to be walked all over (believe me, you didn't get a chance to walk all over me before). And because of that, I allowed a lot of doubt and insecurities to enter my head...my life...my heart. And if you know anything about doubt and insecurity, then you know that those cracks can allow a lot of things in...a lot of hurt. The situation has been over and done with but unfortunately, I know that at least little parts will remain for me for awhile to come. And that's ok. I'm learning from the situation. I've tried to push the aside. I've tried not to let the doubt dictate who I am. But there they were on a regular basis - in most aspects of my life - work, friends, even my relationship with God. 2010 held a whole lot of doubt for me. You may not have seen it (I can cover things up quite well), but it was there.
Then came a night almost two weeks ago. Should have just been a fun, normal night of buying last minute Christmas presents. What it ended up being was a night of me confessing my insecurities outloud to a friend - and finally myself. The conversation itself doesn't need to be broadcast for the whole world to read (OK...so maybe just 4 or 5 of you if I'm lucky). It's the outcome that's important. Those little pieces of doubt that kept creeping up were finally out on the table. And all of those things I had been keeping inside were now out. They were hard to say, but man, did it feel good once it was all out. I didn't realize the burden carrying those insecurities around had really become. And because I said it outloud, I got a clear picture of what it was doing to ME. And how it had to stop.
So for 2011, I'm putting those insecurities to rest. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. But I'm ME - which is exactly who God intended for me to be. And I'm proud of that! I've decided to stsart reading Captivated again. I never finished reading it the first time. But apparently I wasn't meant to read it then. I know I am now.
I know this won't be easy. The words of doubt will try to creep in. That's part of Satan's plan. But my God has bigger and better plans! I pray you'll help me remember that! And if you're someone who struggles with insecurity, I want to pray for you. I feel very blessed to have spent 30 years with only a little doubt here and there in my life. I can't imagine living with it for years. But if you're reading this and you struggle with it, I want to be of some encouragement to you. And I want to pray for you. Pray that you find yourself and that you begin to love the person God created. It really is true...no one can love you like you do (except God Himself).
Look out 2011!!!! Deidra is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Insecure:
- Not sure or certain; doubtful
- Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe
- Not firm or fixed, unsteady
Yes, I'm admitting it. I spent most of 2010 feeling pretty insecure about a lot of things. This is probably a huge surprise to most of you, but it's true. I've always been pretty confident in who I am (confident - not cocky - there is a difference). I can thank my parents for that. I was always taught that I could do anything I put my mind to with God's help. They didn't preach at me. They made God real to me. And they didn't want me to be afraid to try new things. They didn't want me to fear failure. They wanted me to be proud of who I was and everything that made me ME. I know part of that is because I was a child growing up with a white man as my father and black woman as my mother. They knew it wouldn't be the easiest thing growing up in the 80's. But they wanted me to be proud of who I was and to not let the opinions of others affect my self-worth. They did an amazing job, I must say!
Of course I got made fun of. Bullied even in the 2nd grade. I was even called the N-word. (And yes, I'll admit that I was a typical kid and I made fun of others. Not my finest moment.) But I don't ever remember feeling less than others. We definitely had less than 90% of the kids I grew up with. But that didn't bother me. I liked me!!
And for about 30 years, I loved who I was and who I was becoming. Of course, I'm human. I had my moments of doubt. And there were things I didn't like about myself. And let's face it, I'm not perfect. (I know - HUGE shock to all of you but I wanted to put it out there. I wanted to be truthful. HA HA HA!! Hopefully you're feeling the sarcasm in all of that!) But none of those moments lasted long. I loved me and all of my imperfections.
Like I said, that lasted about 30 years. Then I allowed myself to be walked all over (believe me, you didn't get a chance to walk all over me before). And because of that, I allowed a lot of doubt and insecurities to enter my head...my life...my heart. And if you know anything about doubt and insecurity, then you know that those cracks can allow a lot of things in...a lot of hurt. The situation has been over and done with but unfortunately, I know that at least little parts will remain for me for awhile to come. And that's ok. I'm learning from the situation. I've tried to push the aside. I've tried not to let the doubt dictate who I am. But there they were on a regular basis - in most aspects of my life - work, friends, even my relationship with God. 2010 held a whole lot of doubt for me. You may not have seen it (I can cover things up quite well), but it was there.
Then came a night almost two weeks ago. Should have just been a fun, normal night of buying last minute Christmas presents. What it ended up being was a night of me confessing my insecurities outloud to a friend - and finally myself. The conversation itself doesn't need to be broadcast for the whole world to read (OK...so maybe just 4 or 5 of you if I'm lucky). It's the outcome that's important. Those little pieces of doubt that kept creeping up were finally out on the table. And all of those things I had been keeping inside were now out. They were hard to say, but man, did it feel good once it was all out. I didn't realize the burden carrying those insecurities around had really become. And because I said it outloud, I got a clear picture of what it was doing to ME. And how it had to stop.
So for 2011, I'm putting those insecurities to rest. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. But I'm ME - which is exactly who God intended for me to be. And I'm proud of that! I've decided to stsart reading Captivated again. I never finished reading it the first time. But apparently I wasn't meant to read it then. I know I am now.
I know this won't be easy. The words of doubt will try to creep in. That's part of Satan's plan. But my God has bigger and better plans! I pray you'll help me remember that! And if you're someone who struggles with insecurity, I want to pray for you. I feel very blessed to have spent 30 years with only a little doubt here and there in my life. I can't imagine living with it for years. But if you're reading this and you struggle with it, I want to be of some encouragement to you. And I want to pray for you. Pray that you find yourself and that you begin to love the person God created. It really is true...no one can love you like you do (except God Himself).
Look out 2011!!!! Deidra is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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