This post has been awhile in the making. But today seemed like a good day to write it. (FYI: I started this on Monday March 27, my mom's birthday but all I got was those two sentences!)
You may remember last year (around this time I do believe), I wrote a blog about a Vision Board idea I had. And the words I had written on my vision board were "Be Brave." And even when I wrote that post, I had no idea what it all really meant. I had some ideas, of course. And there had been some things I had been brave about. I was quite proud of those things! But just a few weeks after that post, bravery took on a whole new look in my life.
My mom got extremely sick last March. The sickest she had ever been. I can't even begin to explain to you how scared I was. It was during that time that the bravery God was asking me to exhibit was more than just bravery. This was having complete faith in Him and His plan. Sure, we say it all of the time. "I have faith that God will provide." "I know that God can do this." But in the middle of those really scary moments, it's hard to feel that way. But there I was in the middle of this storm. My mom was close to death. No doubt about that. And God was asking me to be brave. God was asking me to give my mom to Him completely and trust in that whatever happened, He would turn to good.
It took about a month total from the time my mom went into the hospital until she came out. I actually think it was 30 days exactly. And she was a different woman when she came out! She didn't have to use the feeding tube. She had more energy. She was finally gaining weight and keeping it on. And boy was she happy! (And quite sassy!) It had been a long, rough 30 days but God had provided. My mom saw another birthday during that time. I had another Mother's Day with her that May. We took rides in my car enjoying the beautiful weather. We had lots of good talks and laughs. All of the things I had been praying I would have more of, God provided.
"Be brave." It wasn't easy. It was far from easy but I heard God. I listened. And I did my best to be brave in that situation. I put my faith in God and let him work. And God answered those prayers. Don't you just feel absolutely amazing when God answers your prayers in the way that you wanted them answered?? It's overwhelming really!!! I was no longer overly worried about my mom's health. Sure, she still had some issues. Yes, she would spend the rest of her life in that nursing home but she was no longer confined to it. She was feeling more free. Her and dad were both feeling better about Mom's choice to be there. I was able to spend more time with my youth group and enjoy trips with them. And the time I got to spend with them was so valuable. I treasure those relationships with those kids. They're such an important part of my life and that's because I was free to be able to spend that time with them. I went on a small vacation to Chicago with my friend Did. What a blessing! It was something I had been wanting to do for awhile. (As a big Michael Jordan fan, Chicago is someplace that you have to go at least once!)
So I had been brave. I had done what God asked. Glad that was over...
Then came September 8th. My mom is gone. I don't know if I was brave at all in those moments. I don't know that I felt brave. I don't think bravery even crossed my mind. But I knew it was time. I knew my mom's days of suffering were over. So I did what I knew my mom wanted me to do and I let her go. I suppose that means I was brave. But in reality, there I was giving every ounce of faith I had to God and His plan.
I've had countless conversations since then about my mom's death. And the one that I keep saying is that had she not gone through the sickness and surgery last March, I would have never been able to be brave when September came. I would have never been able to get a glimpse of God's plan and know that I was going to be ok. I would have never been able to adjust to this life without her in the way that I have had we not gone through all of that. And I don't mean just me. God called us all to be brave. Maybe not everyone sees it that way. Some of my friends and family may not even think about it in that way but it's true. The people that stood by my mom's bed that night were brave. The majority of them could have gone home. But they didn't. They chose to stand there in one of the hardest times they'll ever be a part of so they could be with us. So they could show their support and love. I know that wasn't easy. They hurt just as much as we did. Friends missed time from work the next few days. Time from their own families. All to be with me. Because that's what God was asking them to do. And instead of questioning that and what that may mean for their own lives, they stood by my side.
As I think about that, one thing comes to me: I was brave because of God. Simple as that.
You may remember last year (around this time I do believe), I wrote a blog about a Vision Board idea I had. And the words I had written on my vision board were "Be Brave." And even when I wrote that post, I had no idea what it all really meant. I had some ideas, of course. And there had been some things I had been brave about. I was quite proud of those things! But just a few weeks after that post, bravery took on a whole new look in my life.
My mom got extremely sick last March. The sickest she had ever been. I can't even begin to explain to you how scared I was. It was during that time that the bravery God was asking me to exhibit was more than just bravery. This was having complete faith in Him and His plan. Sure, we say it all of the time. "I have faith that God will provide." "I know that God can do this." But in the middle of those really scary moments, it's hard to feel that way. But there I was in the middle of this storm. My mom was close to death. No doubt about that. And God was asking me to be brave. God was asking me to give my mom to Him completely and trust in that whatever happened, He would turn to good.
It took about a month total from the time my mom went into the hospital until she came out. I actually think it was 30 days exactly. And she was a different woman when she came out! She didn't have to use the feeding tube. She had more energy. She was finally gaining weight and keeping it on. And boy was she happy! (And quite sassy!) It had been a long, rough 30 days but God had provided. My mom saw another birthday during that time. I had another Mother's Day with her that May. We took rides in my car enjoying the beautiful weather. We had lots of good talks and laughs. All of the things I had been praying I would have more of, God provided.
"Be brave." It wasn't easy. It was far from easy but I heard God. I listened. And I did my best to be brave in that situation. I put my faith in God and let him work. And God answered those prayers. Don't you just feel absolutely amazing when God answers your prayers in the way that you wanted them answered?? It's overwhelming really!!! I was no longer overly worried about my mom's health. Sure, she still had some issues. Yes, she would spend the rest of her life in that nursing home but she was no longer confined to it. She was feeling more free. Her and dad were both feeling better about Mom's choice to be there. I was able to spend more time with my youth group and enjoy trips with them. And the time I got to spend with them was so valuable. I treasure those relationships with those kids. They're such an important part of my life and that's because I was free to be able to spend that time with them. I went on a small vacation to Chicago with my friend Did. What a blessing! It was something I had been wanting to do for awhile. (As a big Michael Jordan fan, Chicago is someplace that you have to go at least once!)
So I had been brave. I had done what God asked. Glad that was over...
Then came September 8th. My mom is gone. I don't know if I was brave at all in those moments. I don't know that I felt brave. I don't think bravery even crossed my mind. But I knew it was time. I knew my mom's days of suffering were over. So I did what I knew my mom wanted me to do and I let her go. I suppose that means I was brave. But in reality, there I was giving every ounce of faith I had to God and His plan.
I've had countless conversations since then about my mom's death. And the one that I keep saying is that had she not gone through the sickness and surgery last March, I would have never been able to be brave when September came. I would have never been able to get a glimpse of God's plan and know that I was going to be ok. I would have never been able to adjust to this life without her in the way that I have had we not gone through all of that. And I don't mean just me. God called us all to be brave. Maybe not everyone sees it that way. Some of my friends and family may not even think about it in that way but it's true. The people that stood by my mom's bed that night were brave. The majority of them could have gone home. But they didn't. They chose to stand there in one of the hardest times they'll ever be a part of so they could be with us. So they could show their support and love. I know that wasn't easy. They hurt just as much as we did. Friends missed time from work the next few days. Time from their own families. All to be with me. Because that's what God was asking them to do. And instead of questioning that and what that may mean for their own lives, they stood by my side.
As I think about that, one thing comes to me: I was brave because of God. Simple as that.
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