She's gone. My mom is gone. My mom passed away on September 8th at 11:59pm. Six months ago, I wouldn't have been able to write those sentences. And even if I had, I think I would have broke down in a puddle of tears and sobbing. But today, that's not the case.
I guess you could say my mom's death was unexpected. Just a few weeks before the 8th, I remember lying in my bed one night thinking how a year ago, I was just praying that my mom would make it to my 37th birthday. This year I celebrated my 38th birthday without her.
Our family dog Snoodles had been deteriorating over the few weeks prior. She was such a good dog. She was really the best dog. And since mom had been in the nursing home since the prior June, Snoodles was who my dad went home to everyday. So Mom and I left the decision up to Dad. We let him decide when it was time to have her put to sleep. He called the vet and made the appointment for Wed. Sept. 7th. This broke all our hearts. We rescued her when she was just 10 months old and we all fell in love with her. Mom fell in love with her first. Even though I had been begging for a dog, the decision to bring Snoodles home was my mom's. So we all loved Snoodles. It was sad to think of her not being around. We were more worried about Dad though. He loved her the most. But we knew it was time. She was starting to suffer. That wasn't fair to Snoodles.
Mom was supposed to go with us to put Snoodles to sleep. But the day before she called me. She said her stomach was hurting pretty bad. She had eaten A LOT of some caramel popcorn the day before and she thought it was messing up her stomach. (Since she got her colostomy bag in March, popcorn was something she wasn't supposed to have much of. But she loved it! And this caramel popcorn she loved hadn't been bothering her, so she chose to eat more of it than she had been.) We both figured that between the popcorn, how sad she was about Snoodles and how worried she was about Dad, she had just worked her stomach into a mess. We said we would talk in the morning and that if she couldn't go with us to the vet, that was ok. I told her I loved her and we hung up.
Wednesdays are my late day at work. And since I was going to the vet with Dad, I stayed up a little later on Tuesday night and didn't set my alarm. I slept ok that night. Not the greatest. I thought a lot about Snoodles and how this was going to affect dad. I kept praying that mom would feel a little better so she could go with us but at the same time, I knew this was going to be a lot for her too. So when I woke up about 8:15am, I was still pretty tired. I didn't jump right out of bed. I laid there watching TV. And then my phone rang at 8:28am. When the nursing home number came across the screen, I thought "this can't be good." It was my mom's nurse saying that they were sending my mom to the hospital. Her stomach was hurting pretty bad, she had vomited and they didn't want to take any chances. I couldn't blame them. Not after the last time. Mom was so sick back in March when she ended up having surgery. I was thankful for their care and the fact that they wanted mom taken care of. As I was quickly getting dressed, I text 3 of my best friends. Why? Cause I knew they would pray. And I knew they would have the encouraging words I needed to hear. Sarah immediately started praying (she also told her family so they could pray). Shanda started praying but also woke up her husband so that he could come sit with me. And Rachael was praying and said she would be with me as soon as she could get off of work. Then I had to talk to Dad. Ugh. I hated having that conversation. He was already struggling with having to put Snoodles to sleep in a few hours. But I told him to stay home. I would meet him at the vet. I took a deep breath and headed out the door.
Mom was definitely in pain when I got to her but she looked way better than she did when she went to the hospital in March. I was thankful for that. She was being a smart mouth too and if you knew my mom, you knew that was a good sign. But she was definitely hurting. Something was going on. Dustin came up to sit with her around 10:30 so I could leave shortly after to meet Dad at the vet. Our appointment was at 11:30 but I knew my dad would be early. That's just who he is.
My dad's landlord was wonderful and helped Dad get Snoodles to the vet that morning. They arrived shortly after I did. Poor Snoodles. You could tell she was just tired. But you could tell how much she loved my dad too. Our pets become our family. There's another way to describe it. Snoodles was family. We loved her so much. Dad chose not to be in the room with her while they put her to sleep but I couldn't bear to leave her alone. It went quickly. She was ready. I hated to have to let her go. But thankful that she was my first dog.
I took dad home, made sure he was ok, told him to take the time he needed before coming to the hospital and then headed back to the hospital myself. Mom was still in a lot of pain. Dustin was still with her and didn't leave when I got there. He sat there with both of us. The ER doctor came in and shared that it looked like she had a bowel blockage (which is what the nursing home had been thinking). They explained that they called her surgeon and they had a plan to try to get that blockage out as quickly as possible. Mom was so mad that they were admitting her. The hospital was the last place she wanted to be. But she also knew she needed to be admitted. Rachael came shortly after that. When I saw her, I cried. I don't know why. The news we had gotten wasn't that bad. Everyone had sounded positive. But still. It was hard. It was almost like just when things would settle down for my family, something major happened. Just when I would think it was safe to breathe, something else would happen. But I'm not one for pity parties. I think it was just at that moment, I saw my friend who loved me and my family dearly and I needed a release.
Once Rachael was with me, I sent Dustin off so he could get Shanda lunch and do what he needed to before going to work. He kissed my mom as always. Told her he loved her. Rachael and I sat with mom in the ER room till they moved her up to a regular room. Then she sent us off to finally get lunch. Rachael and I took a short break to get lunch downstairs in the hospital cafeteria. By time we got back to mom's room, they were working on getting mom's pain under control and getting started on trying to clear the bowel obstruction. Mom named a few things she wanted from the nursing home so Rachael and I ran over there to grab those. She told us both to leave that evening. It was a Wed night. She knew we both had church and she knew she was in good hands. She was still in a lot of pain but we could tell the pain had decreased a TINY bit. She kissed us both. Told us how much she loved us and sent us on our way.
That was the last time I had a conversation with my mom.
My phone rang on the 8th at 5:14am. It was the nurse from my mom's floor saying they were moving her to ICU. Things had gone down hill overnight. I again sent texts out to my 3 best friends (plus work to get things covered) and got dressed as quickly as possible to get to the hospital. When I got there, I was met by a doctor who gave me some not-so-great news. Nothing was quite working for mom. Her sugar had dropped super low. She had vomited again. Her blood pressure was low. Lots of bad news. Mom wasn't awake when I went into her room. But she also wasn't sedated. She was sleeping all on her own. And that would be great news if she hadn't been so sick. Dustin got to me as quickly as possible and he was there to hold me and let me cry. And cry I did. A lot. Then I had to call my dad. I also started contacting other people who we were close to. I knew this wasn't good. Soon enough, Dad, Shanda, our friend Judy and my cousin Calin had joined us. They got there and we were pulled into this AWFUL meeting about what happens through this process if mom doesn't get better. The meeting was about 15 minutes long and it was by far the longest meeting I've ever been in. Emotionally, that is. I try so hard to be positive all of the time. I rarely let negativity overtake me. And this nurse wasn't trying to be negative. This just wasn't good news that we were hearing. And she had to be realistic with us. You can't blame her. It's her job. It was things we needed to hear. But that didn't make it any easier.
I will probably say this a lot (and if I don't, please know that I mean to). God blessed me with the greatest friends in the world. Shanda, Dustin, Rachael and Calin were with me all morning. Christina brought us all over lunch. She brought everyone some ice tea but knew I didn't like it so she even brought me my own Pepsi. (It's the little things!) Our pastor and one of mom's friends from church came up to pray with mom. She opened her eyes for them. She shook her head a few times. She even responded to the nurses a few times. We all saw that as a good sign. It wasn't much of one but we were thankful for it. We weren't allowed to visit mom during the two hours of quiet time designated by the hospital. So we all left. I was grateful for the small break. I was hoping to get home and just relax. I wanted to be able to let the dogs out and let them run free for a little bit. I knew I would go home and think of mom but I was hoping for just some relaxing. I was home maybe 10 minutes when my mom's surgeon's office called. They wanted to try surgery. She was as stable as she had been all day. Of course, surgery was a risk. But she definitely wasn't going to make it without the surgery. So I contacted everyone and got back to the hospital shortly after the quiet time was over.
The last time I went in to see mom before her surgery, I leaned over her bed, kissed her hand and told her how much I loved her. And I told her that if she wanted to fight this again, then all she had to do was show us and I would help her fight. But if she was done fighting, I understood that too. I promised her in that moment (as I had done so many other times in my life) that if she was ready and God said it was time, I would let her go.
Shanda and Dustin were unable to be with us during mom's surgery. But Rachael and Calin were still there with Dad and I. Anna, Uncle Jeff, Aunt Bonnie, Uncle Craig Vicky, and Beth were there as well. Shari and Tim come back up right before the surgery was done. We were surrounded people that loved my mom but also loved us. Mom made it through surgery. But the surgeon was honest. The next 12-24 hours would tell us if it helped at all. So we waited.
About an hour after surgery, my Uncle Craig and I went back to see mom. The nurse explained everything they were doing, what they were watching for and all of that. We were finishing up the conversation when my mom's machines began to beep and her blood pressure dropped. And the hardest question I've ever had to answer came out of this nurse's mouth. He said "do we have permission to shock your mom if needed?" No. I didn't hesitate. I knew what my mom wanted. But oh my gosh. I rushed to get Rachael and Anna. I needed them. And we all stood there and cried and watched as 10 nurses did everything they could to save my mom. And they did. By then, Shanda was at the hospital too. So was our pastor. And we all stood outside of her room just praying.
The doctor came to talk to us sharing with us that things weren't great. But he was hoping to see a turn. Shanda and I were the first ones that were able to go back and see her again. It was at that point the nurse told me that all of the machines were doing the work for my mom. And it was at that moment I knew I had to let my mom go. I knew my mom's wishes. This is something she had been preparing me for my entire life. I didn't hesitate to tell the nurse what to do. But that didn't make this hurt any less. My dad had gone home earlier (this was so much for him and he's not the healthiest either). So I asked the nurse to just do what he could to keep her alive until they got my dad back to the hospital but after that, we would let her go.
So there we all stood. Me, Shanda, my dad, Justin, Anna, Vicky, Uncle Craig, Calin, Rachael, Christina, Tim and Shari. All around my mom's bed. And at first, I couldn't stop crying. My heart was just absolutely broken. That was my mom. But I remember putting my head down and saying to God, "if this is your will, give me a peace that passes all understanding." And that's what He did. I took a deep breath, lifted my head and told my mom it was ok.
It's true. It was ok. We would all be ok. No, life won't be the same but we were going to be ok. The one thing we had all prayed for for my mom at some point in our lives was her healing. And she was going to get it. She was going to run into the arms of Jesus and never feel another ounce of pain.
And at 11:59pm on September 8, 2016, that's exactly what she did.
I miss her. A lot. I don't even really feel like words really express that. But man, am I happy for her. I know she's dancing. I know she's singing. She's probably hopping around talking to everyone. I can just see how happy she is when I think about her and I can't help by smile.
Things will be different for Dad and I. And everyone who loved her. But we're all going to be ok. We have to find our new normal. Life will never be the same but I don't want to pretend like it will be. Life can still be wonderful, but it will be different.
I'm thankful for every day I had with my mom. I'm thankful for the memories. I'm thankful for the things she taught me. I'm thankful for the love she showed my friends. I'm thankful for her marriage to my dad. I have so much to be thankful for and those are the things I'm going to concentrate on as dad and I navigate our way through this next chapter of our lives.
My mom is gone from this world. But I know she'll be waiting for me one day. Until then, she'll be dancing and singing and praising the Lord. One day, I'll get to hug her again. And then we can praise the Lord all together!
I guess you could say my mom's death was unexpected. Just a few weeks before the 8th, I remember lying in my bed one night thinking how a year ago, I was just praying that my mom would make it to my 37th birthday. This year I celebrated my 38th birthday without her.
Our family dog Snoodles had been deteriorating over the few weeks prior. She was such a good dog. She was really the best dog. And since mom had been in the nursing home since the prior June, Snoodles was who my dad went home to everyday. So Mom and I left the decision up to Dad. We let him decide when it was time to have her put to sleep. He called the vet and made the appointment for Wed. Sept. 7th. This broke all our hearts. We rescued her when she was just 10 months old and we all fell in love with her. Mom fell in love with her first. Even though I had been begging for a dog, the decision to bring Snoodles home was my mom's. So we all loved Snoodles. It was sad to think of her not being around. We were more worried about Dad though. He loved her the most. But we knew it was time. She was starting to suffer. That wasn't fair to Snoodles.
Mom was supposed to go with us to put Snoodles to sleep. But the day before she called me. She said her stomach was hurting pretty bad. She had eaten A LOT of some caramel popcorn the day before and she thought it was messing up her stomach. (Since she got her colostomy bag in March, popcorn was something she wasn't supposed to have much of. But she loved it! And this caramel popcorn she loved hadn't been bothering her, so she chose to eat more of it than she had been.) We both figured that between the popcorn, how sad she was about Snoodles and how worried she was about Dad, she had just worked her stomach into a mess. We said we would talk in the morning and that if she couldn't go with us to the vet, that was ok. I told her I loved her and we hung up.
Wednesdays are my late day at work. And since I was going to the vet with Dad, I stayed up a little later on Tuesday night and didn't set my alarm. I slept ok that night. Not the greatest. I thought a lot about Snoodles and how this was going to affect dad. I kept praying that mom would feel a little better so she could go with us but at the same time, I knew this was going to be a lot for her too. So when I woke up about 8:15am, I was still pretty tired. I didn't jump right out of bed. I laid there watching TV. And then my phone rang at 8:28am. When the nursing home number came across the screen, I thought "this can't be good." It was my mom's nurse saying that they were sending my mom to the hospital. Her stomach was hurting pretty bad, she had vomited and they didn't want to take any chances. I couldn't blame them. Not after the last time. Mom was so sick back in March when she ended up having surgery. I was thankful for their care and the fact that they wanted mom taken care of. As I was quickly getting dressed, I text 3 of my best friends. Why? Cause I knew they would pray. And I knew they would have the encouraging words I needed to hear. Sarah immediately started praying (she also told her family so they could pray). Shanda started praying but also woke up her husband so that he could come sit with me. And Rachael was praying and said she would be with me as soon as she could get off of work. Then I had to talk to Dad. Ugh. I hated having that conversation. He was already struggling with having to put Snoodles to sleep in a few hours. But I told him to stay home. I would meet him at the vet. I took a deep breath and headed out the door.
Mom was definitely in pain when I got to her but she looked way better than she did when she went to the hospital in March. I was thankful for that. She was being a smart mouth too and if you knew my mom, you knew that was a good sign. But she was definitely hurting. Something was going on. Dustin came up to sit with her around 10:30 so I could leave shortly after to meet Dad at the vet. Our appointment was at 11:30 but I knew my dad would be early. That's just who he is.
My dad's landlord was wonderful and helped Dad get Snoodles to the vet that morning. They arrived shortly after I did. Poor Snoodles. You could tell she was just tired. But you could tell how much she loved my dad too. Our pets become our family. There's another way to describe it. Snoodles was family. We loved her so much. Dad chose not to be in the room with her while they put her to sleep but I couldn't bear to leave her alone. It went quickly. She was ready. I hated to have to let her go. But thankful that she was my first dog.
I took dad home, made sure he was ok, told him to take the time he needed before coming to the hospital and then headed back to the hospital myself. Mom was still in a lot of pain. Dustin was still with her and didn't leave when I got there. He sat there with both of us. The ER doctor came in and shared that it looked like she had a bowel blockage (which is what the nursing home had been thinking). They explained that they called her surgeon and they had a plan to try to get that blockage out as quickly as possible. Mom was so mad that they were admitting her. The hospital was the last place she wanted to be. But she also knew she needed to be admitted. Rachael came shortly after that. When I saw her, I cried. I don't know why. The news we had gotten wasn't that bad. Everyone had sounded positive. But still. It was hard. It was almost like just when things would settle down for my family, something major happened. Just when I would think it was safe to breathe, something else would happen. But I'm not one for pity parties. I think it was just at that moment, I saw my friend who loved me and my family dearly and I needed a release.
Once Rachael was with me, I sent Dustin off so he could get Shanda lunch and do what he needed to before going to work. He kissed my mom as always. Told her he loved her. Rachael and I sat with mom in the ER room till they moved her up to a regular room. Then she sent us off to finally get lunch. Rachael and I took a short break to get lunch downstairs in the hospital cafeteria. By time we got back to mom's room, they were working on getting mom's pain under control and getting started on trying to clear the bowel obstruction. Mom named a few things she wanted from the nursing home so Rachael and I ran over there to grab those. She told us both to leave that evening. It was a Wed night. She knew we both had church and she knew she was in good hands. She was still in a lot of pain but we could tell the pain had decreased a TINY bit. She kissed us both. Told us how much she loved us and sent us on our way.
That was the last time I had a conversation with my mom.
My phone rang on the 8th at 5:14am. It was the nurse from my mom's floor saying they were moving her to ICU. Things had gone down hill overnight. I again sent texts out to my 3 best friends (plus work to get things covered) and got dressed as quickly as possible to get to the hospital. When I got there, I was met by a doctor who gave me some not-so-great news. Nothing was quite working for mom. Her sugar had dropped super low. She had vomited again. Her blood pressure was low. Lots of bad news. Mom wasn't awake when I went into her room. But she also wasn't sedated. She was sleeping all on her own. And that would be great news if she hadn't been so sick. Dustin got to me as quickly as possible and he was there to hold me and let me cry. And cry I did. A lot. Then I had to call my dad. I also started contacting other people who we were close to. I knew this wasn't good. Soon enough, Dad, Shanda, our friend Judy and my cousin Calin had joined us. They got there and we were pulled into this AWFUL meeting about what happens through this process if mom doesn't get better. The meeting was about 15 minutes long and it was by far the longest meeting I've ever been in. Emotionally, that is. I try so hard to be positive all of the time. I rarely let negativity overtake me. And this nurse wasn't trying to be negative. This just wasn't good news that we were hearing. And she had to be realistic with us. You can't blame her. It's her job. It was things we needed to hear. But that didn't make it any easier.
I will probably say this a lot (and if I don't, please know that I mean to). God blessed me with the greatest friends in the world. Shanda, Dustin, Rachael and Calin were with me all morning. Christina brought us all over lunch. She brought everyone some ice tea but knew I didn't like it so she even brought me my own Pepsi. (It's the little things!) Our pastor and one of mom's friends from church came up to pray with mom. She opened her eyes for them. She shook her head a few times. She even responded to the nurses a few times. We all saw that as a good sign. It wasn't much of one but we were thankful for it. We weren't allowed to visit mom during the two hours of quiet time designated by the hospital. So we all left. I was grateful for the small break. I was hoping to get home and just relax. I wanted to be able to let the dogs out and let them run free for a little bit. I knew I would go home and think of mom but I was hoping for just some relaxing. I was home maybe 10 minutes when my mom's surgeon's office called. They wanted to try surgery. She was as stable as she had been all day. Of course, surgery was a risk. But she definitely wasn't going to make it without the surgery. So I contacted everyone and got back to the hospital shortly after the quiet time was over.
The last time I went in to see mom before her surgery, I leaned over her bed, kissed her hand and told her how much I loved her. And I told her that if she wanted to fight this again, then all she had to do was show us and I would help her fight. But if she was done fighting, I understood that too. I promised her in that moment (as I had done so many other times in my life) that if she was ready and God said it was time, I would let her go.
Shanda and Dustin were unable to be with us during mom's surgery. But Rachael and Calin were still there with Dad and I. Anna, Uncle Jeff, Aunt Bonnie, Uncle Craig Vicky, and Beth were there as well. Shari and Tim come back up right before the surgery was done. We were surrounded people that loved my mom but also loved us. Mom made it through surgery. But the surgeon was honest. The next 12-24 hours would tell us if it helped at all. So we waited.
About an hour after surgery, my Uncle Craig and I went back to see mom. The nurse explained everything they were doing, what they were watching for and all of that. We were finishing up the conversation when my mom's machines began to beep and her blood pressure dropped. And the hardest question I've ever had to answer came out of this nurse's mouth. He said "do we have permission to shock your mom if needed?" No. I didn't hesitate. I knew what my mom wanted. But oh my gosh. I rushed to get Rachael and Anna. I needed them. And we all stood there and cried and watched as 10 nurses did everything they could to save my mom. And they did. By then, Shanda was at the hospital too. So was our pastor. And we all stood outside of her room just praying.
The doctor came to talk to us sharing with us that things weren't great. But he was hoping to see a turn. Shanda and I were the first ones that were able to go back and see her again. It was at that point the nurse told me that all of the machines were doing the work for my mom. And it was at that moment I knew I had to let my mom go. I knew my mom's wishes. This is something she had been preparing me for my entire life. I didn't hesitate to tell the nurse what to do. But that didn't make this hurt any less. My dad had gone home earlier (this was so much for him and he's not the healthiest either). So I asked the nurse to just do what he could to keep her alive until they got my dad back to the hospital but after that, we would let her go.
So there we all stood. Me, Shanda, my dad, Justin, Anna, Vicky, Uncle Craig, Calin, Rachael, Christina, Tim and Shari. All around my mom's bed. And at first, I couldn't stop crying. My heart was just absolutely broken. That was my mom. But I remember putting my head down and saying to God, "if this is your will, give me a peace that passes all understanding." And that's what He did. I took a deep breath, lifted my head and told my mom it was ok.
It's true. It was ok. We would all be ok. No, life won't be the same but we were going to be ok. The one thing we had all prayed for for my mom at some point in our lives was her healing. And she was going to get it. She was going to run into the arms of Jesus and never feel another ounce of pain.
And at 11:59pm on September 8, 2016, that's exactly what she did.
I miss her. A lot. I don't even really feel like words really express that. But man, am I happy for her. I know she's dancing. I know she's singing. She's probably hopping around talking to everyone. I can just see how happy she is when I think about her and I can't help by smile.
Things will be different for Dad and I. And everyone who loved her. But we're all going to be ok. We have to find our new normal. Life will never be the same but I don't want to pretend like it will be. Life can still be wonderful, but it will be different.
I'm thankful for every day I had with my mom. I'm thankful for the memories. I'm thankful for the things she taught me. I'm thankful for the love she showed my friends. I'm thankful for her marriage to my dad. I have so much to be thankful for and those are the things I'm going to concentrate on as dad and I navigate our way through this next chapter of our lives.
My mom is gone from this world. But I know she'll be waiting for me one day. Until then, she'll be dancing and singing and praising the Lord. One day, I'll get to hug her again. And then we can praise the Lord all together!
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