I'll admit it that most people think I'm pretty confident because that's the way I try to come across. That doesn't mean I'm trying to be someone I'm not. I am pretty confident in a lot of situations. That's something my mom and dad taught me. And maybe it's not even confidence so much as it is a calmness about the situation. Or even an understanding that the situation is not going to be the death of me. Does that make sense? I can also admit that I've probably adapted to society in the sense that when people come across as confident, people tend to leave them alone. They're not bullied as much. They're respected. Society tends to pick on those that seem to be weaker. It's sad. But it is true. So when you're trying to find your "place" in high school or situations like that, coming across confident can often be the difference between being liked and being bullied. I know that some of you know exactly what I mean.
I got a little off of topic there! Imagine that! Back on track. Yes, I'm pretty confident the majority of the time. Not because I think I'm great at anything but simply because I know that screwing it up sometimes doesn't make me a failure. And at the end of the day, I know I can do anything that's within God's will. Jesus walked on water. He can certainly give me the confidence I need to speak in front of a room of people. (By the way, I hate speaking in front of people. So yeah, I know I CAN do it but I definitely don't want to.)
But over the last few weeks, that confidence has wavered some. I didn't notice that though until yesterday. Well, and even this morning. This weekend was not one of my finest moments. I didn't do anything major. I didn't make any life-altering decisions so don't get too carried away. (I mean, this is me we're talking about. Life-altering for me is whether I finish watching all of the seasons of One Tree Hill before or after I start watching How to Make a Murder on Netflix.) I was lying in bed and I thought to myself, "what is going on?" What on earth has my mind on overdrive (more than normal)? What has me questioning every word that comes out of my mouth? (I don't always think before I speak.) I've been a little quieter than normal. Which for those who know me well, I can talk a lot. Whether we're texting or snap chatting or whatever the case may be, I'm communicating on a regular basis. But not the last few weeks. Sure, I've been talking but when I thought about it, I wasn't communicating like normal. And I like to communicate! I love knowing what's going on in my friend's lives. I love sitting down and telling my mom what the kids have done at work. Christina (my boss) and I talk a lot about things at home or things like that. And some of that has happened. But it seems like I was doing what was necessary instead of just being me.
And I really think it was because I was questioning myself. Why, you ask? (Even if you didn't ask, I'm going to pretend you did.) I don't know. Maybe I do know and I just don't want to go into it. But then, what's the point of this blog then right? I have some ideas of what led me to question myself but I don't know why I let it take over. I do know I don't like it. And me questioning myself led to some idiotic moments over the weekend. Things I wouldn't have normally said. Things I wouldn't have normally done. Or better yet, things I would have done but didn't because I was worried about the outcome and what others may think.
Maybe you call it cockiness. Who knows. But there's one thing I don't usually worry about; what other people think of me. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. What matters is who I am in God's eyes. My mom and dad taught me that early on. When I start worrying about what other people think, I lose focus of what's important. That's not to say that I don't value others' opinions. I do! I look for that advice sometimes. But the majority of the time, I do not allow a fear of what other's may think take hold of me and control my actions. But I think I did. Even if it was just a little.
I'm not sure where the fear came from or what exactly I'm afraid of. I'm not one to really fear failure. Yes, I have those moments where I say "what if this doesn't work?" But someone once told me that you're not failing if you're trying. It's kind of like the saying "you don't know unless you try." I can sit around thinking about all of the "what if's" until I've exhausted them all. But none of those what if's have any chance of coming true if all I do is think about it. And that means I miss out on the good what if's. Isn't that what I'm looking for? I want the good what if's but because I'm afraid of the "bad" what if's, I'm standing around only thinking about it instead of taking a step forward.
We all have our comfort zones. I have several. And of course, that's where I'm the most confident. And when I step out of those comfort zones (a shiver just ran down my spine), I start to question the what if's. That's where I am right now. I know I'm out of my comfort zone in a few areas. It makes me nervous. There's nothing wrong with that until I let the nervousness get the best of me.
But how do I get out of that? How do I get back to the Deidra that most of you are so used to? The easy answer (the one I prefer the most) is to step back into my comfort zones and stay right there. Just to stay nice and comfortable in the areas I'm good at and in the areas where I know the outcome (the majority of the time). But I know better. I can't grow when I've put myself in those positions. I can't experience the good what if's if all I'm thinking about is the bad what if's. And yes, bad what if's will come. They're not already pleasant. But that doesn't mean they're not worth it.
I can't really fix all of the idiotic things I said (or didn't say) this weekend. And that's ok. They weren't mean things. They weren't horrible things. They just weren't things I would typically say or not say. All I can do now is concentrate on how to move on from here and remind myself that I am capable of doing this. And when the "bad" if's do come (cause they will), I'm very capable of getting through that too. I am confident in who I am and who God is shaping me to be. I just have to remind myself of that sometimes.
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