**This post is actually from about a year ago. May 26, 2008 actually. But I wanted to repost it cause it's kind of led me here. Some of you read it. Some of you haven't. Either way, please read it.**
Life Changing...
It's been a VERY long week. It's been a very long two weeks actually. But the past week was probably the longest in a very long time. And there's so many reasons it was long!!! I was working A LOT! I'm so behind on the cards and orders that are sitting here on my desk. And we won't even talk about free time. What is free time?? I came home from work and all I wanted to do was just sit because the days were so long and I still had so much to do. And sleep!! Do people sleep anymore? :-)
But more than that, it was emotionally a very long week. I think it started back the Wed. we went to the sentencing of the young man who killed our friend's son, Dan King. I don't think you even have to be directly affected by that to know that it made for a very hard day. There was so much to comprehend and to try to accept and work through. And even though I feel like I've found peace with his punishment and I know that God is working even though I can't see it, it's still hard. Toni's life will never be the same. I don't know if she'll ever have complete peace in her life.
So if you add that the long hours at work, the work that needs done at home, the lack of sleep and a few other things, I'm trying to figure out how I didn't end up CRAZY!!! :-)
It took me until about Fri. afternoon though to really get the whole picture. I have to be careful what I write cause I know the whole world could read this (although I'm sure they won't). So bare with me as I try to write this while leaving some names and stories out or just not in their entirety.
I was having a conversation on Fri. I guess it was Fri. evening actually. I was sitting outside on my swing (one of my favorite places to be) having a conversation with a friend when all of a sudden a bunch of conversations that I've had over the last few weeks were pretty clear to me! And it really began to put the last few weeks in perspective.
I remember my 9th birthday. Everybody kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday. I had written several lists and I had repeated the list MILLIONS of times. But there was one thing that was always on the top. I wanted to be 9 forever. 9 was AWESOME! I loved being a kid. I'll admit I was spoiled!!! J But we didn't have the money for me to be spoiled quite like we all imagine. But it was good enough for me!!! Life was GRAND.
I enjoyed every minute of being a kid. I was a kid!!! Even though my parents were older and my mom wasn't healthy, they made sure I was a kid. And I know that as a teenager I was probably a little more mature than my friends, I still enjoyed growing up!!! I got to be a kid. But it became very clear this week that not everyone gets that chance.
I think sometimes we forget about all of the kids in this world that don't get to be kids. They have to grow up so quickly. And we wonder why some "adults" act the way they do. Imagine missing out on your childhood? Imagine having to grow up on your own. Imagine having no one around who that supported you as a child. I can't even fathom that. To not have people around you who care and what nothing more than the best for you? That definitely has to shape what that child becomes.
But I realized this week that some kids managed to just fine. Or at least as fine as they can! I learned so much from someone these last two weeks. Here's a person who really based on the odds and based on the background I know about (there's so much more to the story than I even know at this point) should not be ok with the world. This person should be so angry! I'm angry!!! How do you abandon someone who you're supposed to love from day one? HOW??? This person isn't angry. I don't think this person understands why it happened. I don't think this person is searching for those answers either. This person has just decided that this is what life handing them and they're going to do what they can with it.
She never got to be a kid. She didn't get to enjoy the teenage years. And now she's at an age where she should just now be thinking about what she wants to do with her life and unfortunately she doesn't even have time for that. I'd be so mad!!! I enjoyed being a kid. I enjoyed being a teenager. And even though turning 18 and going into my 20's was not easy, I wouldn't take it back. I had fun!!! I enjoyed the life God had given me. She hasn't had a chance to do that. Instead of worrying about what she'll wear tomorrow, she has to worry about how to take care of herself. And yes, what she's going to wear tomorrow is really trivial but it's fun isn't it?
So here I am in these past two weeks…tired. Just worn out. And I come home to my mom and dad who absolutely adore me (99% of the time anyway). I come home to a nice home. I have an amazing best friend. I'm surrounded by so many people who love me. And she goes home by herself. And there's no one waiting for her to tell her how proud they are of her that she's doing such an amazing job being an adult. There's no one there to tell her that she'll get through this. That on the other side of this there's so much more to life. There's no one there to hug her after a bad day. There's no one there to just sympathize with her when her life feels like it's falling apart. She has no idea what any of that feels like. To her, there's no one proud of her for what she's accomplished. There's no one rooting her on. I can't say she doesn't feel loved. But I can say that there's no one there telling her she's loved. And that breaks my heart.
I have no idea what God's plan is. I have no idea why she's in my life. And I have no idea why in the last 3-4 weeks we've gotten closer. I can tell you that I honestly feel like she's doing me way more good than I'm doing her!
I can't give her her childhood back. And I don't want to be her mother. I want her to be her friend. I want her to know that someone is proud of her what she's done. I want her to know at the end of the day that there are definitely people around her that want to hear about her day. I want her to know that she'll get through what she's struggling with. I want her to know that things won't always feel like this. I want her to know that finally God has placed her somewhere where she doesn't have to always be the adult. She's allowed to have fun. She's allowed to just sit back and have fun!! I don't know if I could have done it. I don't know if I'd be so ok with the world. I don't know if I'd be so forgiving. But as I think about all of the little things in my life that have gotten to me lately, it makes it so easy to forgive those things when I take a look at all of those things she's forgiven, ya know? It really puts life into perspective.
I would absolutely trade places with her. Just to be able to give her a day in my shoes surrounded by so many people who love me. Just to give her a day with my best friend…just so she can experience what it's like to pick up the phone and tell her anything. Just to give her a day to play with two of the cutest little boys on this earth. Two little boys who would love her unconditionally cause that's who they are. A day to come home to parents who adore her and who are so proud of her!! Even on the days she screws up big time! A day for her to not worry.
I don't think it's my job to change her life. She seems to have a pretty good handle on life as it is!!! I know she's changing mine. I don't know if I'll ever quite see things the same again. And that's a good thing! I just hope that on the other side of all of this, she knows that someone is proud of her. I hope that I'm able to give her at least a few days of freedom from the adult world…a few days to just be 19 years old. And I hope she knows I'm not the only person rooting for her…
Life Changing...
It's been a VERY long week. It's been a very long two weeks actually. But the past week was probably the longest in a very long time. And there's so many reasons it was long!!! I was working A LOT! I'm so behind on the cards and orders that are sitting here on my desk. And we won't even talk about free time. What is free time?? I came home from work and all I wanted to do was just sit because the days were so long and I still had so much to do. And sleep!! Do people sleep anymore? :-)
But more than that, it was emotionally a very long week. I think it started back the Wed. we went to the sentencing of the young man who killed our friend's son, Dan King. I don't think you even have to be directly affected by that to know that it made for a very hard day. There was so much to comprehend and to try to accept and work through. And even though I feel like I've found peace with his punishment and I know that God is working even though I can't see it, it's still hard. Toni's life will never be the same. I don't know if she'll ever have complete peace in her life.
So if you add that the long hours at work, the work that needs done at home, the lack of sleep and a few other things, I'm trying to figure out how I didn't end up CRAZY!!! :-)
It took me until about Fri. afternoon though to really get the whole picture. I have to be careful what I write cause I know the whole world could read this (although I'm sure they won't). So bare with me as I try to write this while leaving some names and stories out or just not in their entirety.
I was having a conversation on Fri. I guess it was Fri. evening actually. I was sitting outside on my swing (one of my favorite places to be) having a conversation with a friend when all of a sudden a bunch of conversations that I've had over the last few weeks were pretty clear to me! And it really began to put the last few weeks in perspective.
I remember my 9th birthday. Everybody kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday. I had written several lists and I had repeated the list MILLIONS of times. But there was one thing that was always on the top. I wanted to be 9 forever. 9 was AWESOME! I loved being a kid. I'll admit I was spoiled!!! J But we didn't have the money for me to be spoiled quite like we all imagine. But it was good enough for me!!! Life was GRAND.
I enjoyed every minute of being a kid. I was a kid!!! Even though my parents were older and my mom wasn't healthy, they made sure I was a kid. And I know that as a teenager I was probably a little more mature than my friends, I still enjoyed growing up!!! I got to be a kid. But it became very clear this week that not everyone gets that chance.
I think sometimes we forget about all of the kids in this world that don't get to be kids. They have to grow up so quickly. And we wonder why some "adults" act the way they do. Imagine missing out on your childhood? Imagine having to grow up on your own. Imagine having no one around who that supported you as a child. I can't even fathom that. To not have people around you who care and what nothing more than the best for you? That definitely has to shape what that child becomes.
But I realized this week that some kids managed to just fine. Or at least as fine as they can! I learned so much from someone these last two weeks. Here's a person who really based on the odds and based on the background I know about (there's so much more to the story than I even know at this point) should not be ok with the world. This person should be so angry! I'm angry!!! How do you abandon someone who you're supposed to love from day one? HOW??? This person isn't angry. I don't think this person understands why it happened. I don't think this person is searching for those answers either. This person has just decided that this is what life handing them and they're going to do what they can with it.
She never got to be a kid. She didn't get to enjoy the teenage years. And now she's at an age where she should just now be thinking about what she wants to do with her life and unfortunately she doesn't even have time for that. I'd be so mad!!! I enjoyed being a kid. I enjoyed being a teenager. And even though turning 18 and going into my 20's was not easy, I wouldn't take it back. I had fun!!! I enjoyed the life God had given me. She hasn't had a chance to do that. Instead of worrying about what she'll wear tomorrow, she has to worry about how to take care of herself. And yes, what she's going to wear tomorrow is really trivial but it's fun isn't it?
So here I am in these past two weeks…tired. Just worn out. And I come home to my mom and dad who absolutely adore me (99% of the time anyway). I come home to a nice home. I have an amazing best friend. I'm surrounded by so many people who love me. And she goes home by herself. And there's no one waiting for her to tell her how proud they are of her that she's doing such an amazing job being an adult. There's no one there to tell her that she'll get through this. That on the other side of this there's so much more to life. There's no one there to hug her after a bad day. There's no one there to just sympathize with her when her life feels like it's falling apart. She has no idea what any of that feels like. To her, there's no one proud of her for what she's accomplished. There's no one rooting her on. I can't say she doesn't feel loved. But I can say that there's no one there telling her she's loved. And that breaks my heart.
I have no idea what God's plan is. I have no idea why she's in my life. And I have no idea why in the last 3-4 weeks we've gotten closer. I can tell you that I honestly feel like she's doing me way more good than I'm doing her!
I can't give her her childhood back. And I don't want to be her mother. I want her to be her friend. I want her to know that someone is proud of her what she's done. I want her to know at the end of the day that there are definitely people around her that want to hear about her day. I want her to know that she'll get through what she's struggling with. I want her to know that things won't always feel like this. I want her to know that finally God has placed her somewhere where she doesn't have to always be the adult. She's allowed to have fun. She's allowed to just sit back and have fun!! I don't know if I could have done it. I don't know if I'd be so ok with the world. I don't know if I'd be so forgiving. But as I think about all of the little things in my life that have gotten to me lately, it makes it so easy to forgive those things when I take a look at all of those things she's forgiven, ya know? It really puts life into perspective.
I would absolutely trade places with her. Just to be able to give her a day in my shoes surrounded by so many people who love me. Just to give her a day with my best friend…just so she can experience what it's like to pick up the phone and tell her anything. Just to give her a day to play with two of the cutest little boys on this earth. Two little boys who would love her unconditionally cause that's who they are. A day to come home to parents who adore her and who are so proud of her!! Even on the days she screws up big time! A day for her to not worry.
I don't think it's my job to change her life. She seems to have a pretty good handle on life as it is!!! I know she's changing mine. I don't know if I'll ever quite see things the same again. And that's a good thing! I just hope that on the other side of all of this, she knows that someone is proud of her. I hope that I'm able to give her at least a few days of freedom from the adult world…a few days to just be 19 years old. And I hope she knows I'm not the only person rooting for her…
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